Chapter 1:
A long time ago in the realm of St. Gerald
There lived a young herald named Meril Fitzgerald
And every day he would shout out the news
Of the tax the king raised and the wars he would lose.
And all of the peasants would come out to shop
And try to find deals on potatoes and pop
And Meril would hand out the flyers and ads
For the local shopkeepers and sales that they had.
But standing all day made his feet really sore
And he didn’t much care about taxes and war
You see, what young Meril most wanted to be
Was a swaggering boat captain sailing the sea.
“Then,” he would think to himself with a grin…
“My crew would stick with me through thick and through thin
I’d be loaded with gold and be coated with fame
And all of my friends would know BOTH of my names!”
One day when the deals were especially hot
And no one was listening, yelling or not
He was lazily leafing the flyers in his keeping
And suddenly came to a halt.
There between flyers for pre-owned cart tires
And “come to the dances” and “get your new lances”
And “come meet our singles and start your romances”
Was a colorful ad from the coast.
It said:
“If you’re as brave as a dragon can boast
And if you like spreading sea salt on your toast
And if you are valiant and stalliant and cool
Then you may be admitted to sailoring school.”
Well Meril dropped all of his stuff in a heap
And ran himself home in three bounds and a leap
He grabbed his clean socks and he packed up his mule
And rode off to try out for sailoring school.
Chapter 2:
Our eager young hero had just hit the road
And only just settled in traveling mode
When the sky gave a rumble and started to pour
Like the whole world had never seen water before.
It didn’t take long and he started to be
The wettest young herald you ever did see.
And when three hours later he came to Port Fink
He looked like a mop that had too much to drink.
Well Meril was weary, but totally stoked
Even though his clean socks and his knickers were soaked
And he bolstered his spirits, and head very high
Strode up to the new sailor hiring guy.
“My name is Fitzgerald.” He said to the guy.
“It’s what!?” Said the man.
“Fitzgerald said I!”
“And I’m here to apply for apprentice…-hood…-ship?,
And to get me a job. And to sail on a ship.”
The man looked him up
And the man looked him down
He looked him all over and said with a frown
“You’re awfully short and you’re awfully wet
You’ll be awfully awful at sailing I bet.
But…
If you don’t eat too much and you do what you’re told
I’ll let you scrape barnacles down in the hold.”
Well Meril decided he’d give it a try
And he gave his consent and shook hands with the guy
And over the course of the next couple weeks
He practiced his barnacle scraping technique
On a very old ship in route to Australia
But you just never know when your karma might fail ya.
Chapter 3:
For out on the sea on his 43rd day
The rudder fell off and just floated away
And the sail blew away
And the riggings gave way
And the bottom fell out from ten years of decay!
And into the ocean poor Meril was barreled
And he wished he was back in the realm of St. Gerald.
Well lucky for him, there came floating past
A very large beam that had come from the mast
And he grabbed that big beam and clung on to it tight
And he tried not to drown with all of his might.
Fitzgerald awoke from a dream he was having
About frappachinos with chocolate shavings
To find himself soaked from head right to toe
Floating to somewhere that nobody knows.
He floated two nights and he floated two days
It was so disappointing in so many ways
Complaining to fate about how much it stinks
To be a poor sailor boy lost in the drink.
Chapter 4:
He finally touched ground on the tiniest beach
With bunches of jellyfish, millions at least
On the uncharted island of tuk gluk mc glik
Were the natives speak only in whistles and clicks.
The natives thought he was a glorious god
And they asked for his aid in religious jihad
Against their close neighbor, the Island of Mizz
Who worshiped their toenails, as weird as that is.
Well Meril was hungry and grumpy and sore
And the last thing he felt like was leading a war
So he thought up a fib and with no more ado
He promptly informed them he worshiped his too!
This I can tell you caused quite a big change
The natives all thought it was awfully strange
That this divine being would say they were wrong…
And so they repented and all got along.
But our hero was still stuck in quite a tight spot
He wondered and pondered and thought and he thought
Of how he would get off this bump in the sea
And get back to people with more sanity.
He decided to build a gigantic bonfire
Using all the dried jellyfish one could desire
He built such a flame that the ozone near melted
And hoped beyond hope to be seen and then… helpted.
“Wow.” Thought Fitzgerald, as he sat there and tanned
“This whole misadventure was not what I planned.
If ever I’m through having my life imperiled
I’d happily go back to being a herald.”
Chapter 5:
Suddenly out on the edge of his scope
He saw a small sight that imbued him with hope
A sight undeniably coming his way
At the speed of a hurricane, with twice the spray.
And soon there pulled up a vast purple boat
Just crawling with sailors in long purple coats
And out jumped a man with a purple eye patch
Twisting a freshly dyed purple mustache
“We’re the purple-est pirates! Both near and afar
We’re the naughtiest nautical nasties there are!
We do what we want
And we take what we please
We eat our desert before eating our peas
And we’re here to discover the cause of this blaze
And whether it’s worth being pillaged and razed!”
“That’s not purple!” Squeaked Meril.
“It’s naught but dark pink.”
“Yes it is!” Barked the pirate. “Who cares what you think!”
“You’ve hurt my last feeling and now I declare
That you’d better have something to bargain, I swear!”
“Well,” Said Fitzgerald. “I can shout out the news.”
“What news!?” Said the pirate.
“Whatever you choose!
I’ll make it all up if that rattles your gavel
And proclaim your misdeeds throughout all of our travels.”
The deal was well struck and the pirates proceeded
To take him aboard just as they had agreeded.
And off they all sailed singing pirating songs
Of possessions they’d pilfered and wrongs they had wronged.
Chapter 6:
They sailed a full mile and twenty-four feet
Before they were surrounded by the imperial fleet
All waving their guns and billowing their banners
And the admiral bawled out in his toughest of manners
“The purple-est pirates are hereby arrested
For crimes which the King has expressly detested!
So lay down your guns and your swords and your sashes
And quit twisting all of your purple mustaches!”
“At last!” Cried the pirates. “We gain recognition
For all of the dastardly deeds we’ve been dishin’!”
“Which deeds?” Asked the admiral. “I’ve heard no cavortling!
You’re being detained for deplorable chortling!
To the realm of St. Gerald you all must be taken
To answer for all of the noise you’ve been makin’!”
“Please!” Meril cried, as they clapped him in chains
“I’m not one of these and with ease I’ll explain!”
If you’ll just take me home and do me no wrong
I’ll go back to heralding where I belong!”
“The realm of St. Gerald IS missing their herald.”
Said the Admiral to Meril.
“And it’s safe to say there’ll
Be no reason to harm you, we’ll leave you alone
If you promise to take yourself rapidly home.”
So Fitzgerald WENT home. And I’m so pleased to say
That he happily heralded many a day.
And the peasants rejoiced to once more hear the news
And to hear all the deals on their onions and stews.
Until one fateful day, when our hero decided
That he just wasn’t happy with where he resided
And so he concocted a fanciful dream
To go be a knight in King Arthur’s regime.
The End.